oratorical | IC Contact

Control is all I have.

[You want the honest truth about Leia and dealing with her emotions? Well that's it.]

[Aha.]

[The creases around Qui-Gon's eyes soften as he gestures to a seat.]

Then we can start there.

[This time, finally, Leia does sit, probably because of Qui-Gon no longer giving off the same frustrating hippie jedi more intent on solving a problem air that he did before.]

There's not much else to say. It's common sense, I'd think.

[Gotta have that talk before it pops up again!]

Not as much as one would think.

[He stoops forward, his philosophical features taking over as he presses the tips of his fingers together, contemplating not a problem to be solved (as Leia has already observed) but a friend to be helped.]

[Qui-Gon also knows he doesn't have to sugar-coat his words for the hardy princess in front of him.]

Exercising what little control you have over the events that affect your life is only a coping mechanism. It isn't a solution. Eventually, like all of our endeavors, it slips.

The difference is that if you view that control as all you have, then you resign yourself to nothing. An empty void that offers you no solace and no solutions to the bigger problems you're due to face.

Control is a weapon, Leia, not a defense. And you're using it against yourself.

[Logically Leia knows there's truth in what Qui-Gon is saying, because she can easily see herself saying as much to someone else having trouble. But it's not something she wants to accept applying to herself.]

In theory, perhaps.

I have jobs that need to be done and an image to upkeep. People depend on me holding it together when they cannot. With how much there is to process, I owe it to others to do that for them.

And from what I understand, part of the purpose of our talks was to allow ourselves another individual to which we're not beholden to. Someone to listen to our woes and provide impartial advice and an empathetic ear.

[Qui-Gon takes a moment to think about his next words, breaking eye contact as he gestures with his hands. They aren't the sweeping displays that he's made in the past when a talking point required overt signs of passion and energy, but more subdued movements to emphasize his words and, most of all, just how much he cares.]

Support--even emotional--isn't a mountain, Leia, and you are not the peak.

It's a web. A chain. And you have those who want nothing more than to provide for you. To allow their help isn't taking advantage of them, nor is it showing vulnerability. It's strengthening everyone who is attached to you.

[It sounds nice, yes, but the way Leia sees things, her situation is far more complicated than just this. Perhaps not specifically with dealing with her loved ones leaving Empatheias while she's still here, but in a more general sense. Because the way Leia sees all this, it's nothing new or any worse than what she's dealt with before, so it isn't a big problem.]

I'm the last surviving ruler of a people that no longer have a planet to call home. I have to be composed for their sake, so when they look to me, they can find some sense of hope for their future. Something like this, people leaving, is nothing compared to that.

[Qui-Gon raises his eyebrows.]

Do you truly believe that behind every composed leader, there was nobody else there to field their concerns? Think of your parents. Didn't they have each other to confide in? To speak to when they had doubts, or when they felt overwhelmed?

Here, you don't have the added pressure of rulership. You have friends and family who care deeply about you and your well-being. Insisting that everything is fine and putting on a mask isn't going to assuage that concern or their fears, nor is it going to do you any good. Not in the long run.

They did.

[The unspoken part she doesn't add is that for the longest time, long enough to get used to it, she felt she didn't. There was no one around she felt close enough to trust with something that personal for ages.

Han, Luke, and Chewie were the ones she felt most comfortable around, but it took far longer than just that for her to be comfortable talking with any of them about her problems. The others she was close to, she didn't want to discuss this with and risk not being permitted on missions or being treated like she was also going to break.]

This is the only way I could cope with that. With any of it.

[That, or letting the stress out with arguments with Han back before.[

[Qui-Gon nods with understanding.]

[The Jedi had their own hang-ups when it came to expressing emotions. Hang-ups that Qui-Gon, over his 60+ years, had done what he can to try and change their views... to little avail.]

Changing how you deal with your emotions is a big step. I understand that.

But it's a necessary one, and I want to help.

[When she was younger, Leia had no such troubles with expressing emotions. She knew how to behave in public, but that didn't matter when she could discuss whatever was bothering her with her parents. But when Alderaan was destroyed, so was the way she used to behave. Now, it's a defense mechanism.]

And how would you suggest that?

Nothing that we aren't doing right now.

[But there's a piece missing. Yes, they've been talking and sharing and addressing their multitude of issues over the past several months, but it's been superficial so far. They have to take the next step: unrooting the turmoil deep inside and bringing it into the open.]

I don't mean to trivialize our talks, but we need to take them further.

[He pauses and shifts in his seat. Sure, Qui-Gon is as placid as ever on the surface, but the idea of breaking through the surface and going deeper makes him uncomfortable, himself, on some level.]

So, tell me, what is the first thing that comes to your mind now that I've said that?

That I've already made my thoughts on Jedi training clear.

[Because from the way he's talking, the only thing that comes to mind, with Leia, is the Force. And the Force is something she still doesn't want to let in to her life in any significant sense beyond checking on those she cares for.]

You have. Which is why I am not suggesting that.

[Have some faith in him, Leia!!! Gosh!!!!]

What I am suggesting is taking the time to look deeper into your own emotions and verbalizing them. Preferably to someone else you can trust.

For what it's worth, that person does not have to be me.

I have that with Han.

[But Han isn't here anymore and that's part of the problem, isn't it.]

And should Han return, I'm sure you will exercise that.

[In other words: yes, that is very much the problem.]

But until then?

That's easier said than done, you realize.

[For some people, maybe not. But for Leia, it took several years and a broken hyperdrive for her to even think about opening up to people.]

My own problems are less of a concern than what others here are dealing with, and with the issues this world itself are facing.

You’re trivializing your problems—that’s different than having a healthy perspective.

One could argue that the people of Verens and Empatheias as a whole have strifes bigger than any one of us. And that is correct.

However, to see that we are fit ourselves to contest with these problems means a certain level of accurate self-assessment. We need to be at top form if we’re going to give all we have to those who need it.

[In other words, drink some almond milk and practice some self-care, Leia!!!]

[Sure that's fair, but also consider her idea of self-care is overthrowing tyrannical governments.]

People leave here daily. My problems are no different from anyone else's here.

Is this the response you would give to someone who is grieving over one of those departures?

[Because GIRL.]

Likely not. But it might depend on what the person needed to hear at the moment.

[But really the answer is most likely no.]

I'm not grieving.

You're not allowing yourself to grieve. You're not allowing yourself much of anything.

[Qui-Gon is doing a pretty good job at keeping his frustration at bay, even with the emphasis in his words.]

It isn't an act of selfishness or putting your problems before others' to give yourself that chance.

[Anyone else would likely agree with Qui-Gon, because he's not wrong, and if Han and Luke and her father were still here, they'd all probably say the same. But it's not how Leia sees it, and there's so much wrapped up in why that even as comfortable as she is using her words, she can't or doesn't want to vocalize it all.

So instead--]

Have you allowed yourself to grieve for what will happen in the future?

[She means the fate of the Jedi. That's just a nicer way to say it, her tone gentle as she asks. Because she's got a point with this.]

[Maybe it's a sign that all of those important people in Leia's life would say!!! The same!!! Thing!!!!!!!]

[Regardless, her question hits home and Qui-Gon ruminates on it with a quiet sigh. He gets what she means, and he has to be honest with her. It's only fair.]

I have.

[Every reminder shoots familiar twinges of pain into his chest, but it's the kind of dull ache that someone gets used to over time. Like the ache in an old man's bones before the rain, or a heavy slump of the shoulders after a long day of work.]

It was difficult, but I have.

[maybe she's just got too much skywalker stubborn to listen!!!! (well that's not the whole problem here, exactly, but it does get her set in her ways.)

She's silent, waiting patiently for Qui-Gon to gather his thoughts and actually compose an answer. She knows it's just as sensitive a subject for him as this is for her, so she doesn't want to be pushy or harsh in her response.]

Then you'll understand why I'm not there yet. I can't, yet.

[Well she's not sure if she'll ever be there, but that's a different issue. Any troubles of missing people who left here from Verens is nothing compared to what she's already conditioned herself to accept as her reality.]

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